listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
