you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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