So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
