I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
