I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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