Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
