Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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