Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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