stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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