If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Quick, to the slutcave!
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
