Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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