If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
