remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
