Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
