And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
