I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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