im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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