So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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