Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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