hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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