Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
