Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
