Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
