Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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