my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I feel like abortions should bother me more
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
