Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
