if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
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Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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