You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
