My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
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