Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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