he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
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This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
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I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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