so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
