I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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