Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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