i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Randomize
