I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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