So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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