remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
