Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
