I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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