I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
