I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
