I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
