i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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