DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
