Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
