if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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