i'm signing you up for texting rehab
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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