I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
There r osticjed everywhere
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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