For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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