yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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