yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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