My nipple is on Facebook.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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