I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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