morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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