He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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