i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
