she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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