You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
