Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
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Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
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Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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