CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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