I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
