After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
